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I think i would quit literally go insane if I didn’t have the Internet. I guess the hardest lesson on in my life is learning that you can really be alone in life and have no one and that person is me. :(

Easy? I think not….

Ok so I’m not always the best person, I have flaws, I make mistakes, I love people I shouldn’t and they don’t love me back. But I’m not manipulative and I generally care about people so why isn’t it enough? Rather why do I care that it’s not enough? It’s a lot easier to say you don’t care and still have ppl in your life then to say it and still be alone.

I’m mad at her for being like everyone else. I’m mad at him for not caring as much as I did. I’m mad at him for not seeing I needed more. I’m mad at her for changing. I’m mad at him for not noticing how much I love him. I’m mad at her for not being there when I needed her. I’m just mad at the world and in reality I’m supposed to accept that it’s my fault and I need.to.take the blame. Well I simply just can’t. I’m not perfect but I’m not that flawed either…. I can’t accept the wrongs of everyone and myself …. but either way I’m still alone I’m.still.talking to.a computer I’m still unloved unwanted and hurting.

My Inspiration to be better…. well at least one of them….

I hope he can learn to forgive me one day. :(

I’m sorry that I hurt you, made you mad, and ruined your night. I do take 100% blame for that. Its something I have to live with everyday of MY life, cuz I miss you and I’m trying not to care about it anymore…. Everything just kept getting worse and worse and no matter what I did I couldn’t make it better. It was like the things I wanted to say just didn’t come out the way I wanted them too… and it’s always been like that with you. I wish more then anything that I didn’t care that you don’t care (Id literally do anything to get you to forgive me!) but I’m not like that. I guess I just wanted you to know… No I needed you to hear….that I am really am sorry. 

I’m human Nick…I got drunk and mad… I didn’t try to kill of a race of humans or ……….some other god awful thing…. I fucked up!  There are reasons I am like I am though…… There are reasons I do the things I do…. Dumb or smart…. I’m not perfect but at the end of the day who is?

I’m really not as shocked as i used to be when other ppl let me down now days, even if I am the reason they are doing it. (Which Is why I don’t like getting close to ppl in the first place) but you were different and interesting and I liked that, so I took a chance. It failed. Ppl come and ppl go….I just hate the fact that I put myself in a position to be let down in the first place …. I try to tell myself I am relieved but relief doesn’t feel like a chunk of lead in your gut… that’s disappointment. Disappointment in myself, in letting someone like you and Bri down, because It really sucks when the ppl you care about the most don’t care about you anymore. I cant think of anyone I hate more then missing you I’m sorry I’m not an easy person to get along with – I guess I am just a fucked up girl looking for her own piece of mind and failing at it everyday. I may not have the prettiest face or the skinniest waste, or be the greatest person, and I KNOW I have an obsession with trying to figure out what everyone is thinking. I have over active tear ducts and I’m so pathetic that the most exciting thing in my world is knowing that someone wants to be my friend (too) and actually gives a shit about me!…… but I have a huge heart and even though everything I try….I fuck up in the end….  I DO TRY. And yet for some reason that doesn’t seem to be good enough for people… What can you do when your good just isn’t good enough? I tried until I just couldn’t try anymore. You don’t know what it feels like to be worthless when nothing you do matters- I feel like that everyday!!!

Pleasing ppl is impossible but pissing them off is piece of cake. I should no longer give a fuck… I mean, I do, but fuck. It’s hard to find ppl that will like you no matter what and if I have learned anything from this and the idiot I am as a person… its that sometimes its not the pain that makes us suffer but its our own negative thoughts that make things seem worse… I’m guilty of that 100%! But thank you for giving me a chance……

. Please forgive me one day. 

I will be the death of me …..

I’m torn between shutting the world out and going back to being super mom/work lady with no social life or trying to fix me and have friends etc. I throw myself into school because its easy. Facing what’s after school is what’s hard. Providing for kids is easy…. Having that mom/child connection …. That’s what’s hard. I can teach any kid to walk talk play clean etc but anything to do with emotions is hard. I was supposed to slow down and enjoy life but now I remember why I never did that in the first place …. What’s to enjoy about it?

There is no love here ….

The funny thing is, is that life is really simple but we insist on making it complicated for some reason. But at some point we have to face the decision and choose between what is right and what is easy. But sometimes the wrong choice can bring us to the right place, who knows right?

 

I won’t get into how Kyle and I came to be (for now) but I have been with him on and off since I was 16. We have history to say the least. And let me tell you, fairytales don’t always have a happy ending. I guess love is a funny thing the way it fades without warning… and when it’s gone, TRUST ME it is gone. I was really sad about it for a while, and in the worst kind of way.  The kind of sad where you know deep down that there’s nothing you can do even though you wish you could. I’m thinking all love ever does is break and burn in the end anyway.

 

God I really loved him… I loved him  in a I get the last piece of cheese cake, hold a radio over my head outside your window unfortunate way that makes me hate you …love him. And it really fucking sucks when the people you care about most don’t feel the same way. When the person that meant the whole world to you can turn into a complete stranger in one mistake.

 

I knew when I married him I shouldn’t have. God I’ve never admitted that out loud before, but I thought maybe one day I’d be what he needed. Maybe it wouldn’t be this bad forever…

 

People think that being alone makes you lonely but I don’t think that’s 100% true, being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest feeling in the world. I know I have my kids but I can’t lean on my kids. WTF kind of mother does that? They are so young and I can’t lean on them like that. They don’t deserve that. Kyle is/was my mess, not theirs. So I do what I need to do, and honestly what am I supposed to do? My whole life had been around him, I have two kids with him, and he is all I know. I have always felt that no one else would ever love me anways. So I first tried to accept that this was it. This is what love was and it wasn’t going to get any better. That love isn’t anything like the movies; there is no princeor knight in shining armor. There is no grand jesters, (at least for me anyway) and I should BE so lucky to even have him in my life. I mean look at my track record…..everyone else left. My dad, my step dad, my mom, family, friends…. You can only be unlucky for so long before you start to see a pattern. But what can you do when your good just isn’t good enough? Sometimes we hit the point where we change or self-destruct.  I have hit that point too many times in my life. And so I sat there slowly drifting away from everything I once knew and loved. And I was sad. Have you ever felt rejected by those closest to you?

 

And then I got mad……. He broke me into a million tiny little pieces and left me all alone so many times… wtf did he expect? I mean FUCK HIM for giving up on me, FUCK HIM for making me cry, fuck HIM for thinking he could treat me like that and I wouldn’t care, FUCK HIM FOR TREATING ME LIKE SHIT AND EXPECTNG ME TO STILL LOVE HIM, FUCK HIM for walking all over me, FUCK HIM for breaking his promises, FUCK HIM for not caring enough when I needed him, FUCK HIM for all the nights I cried myself to sleep, FUCK HIM for wasting my time and giving me mixed signals, and FUCK HIM for not seeing what he had in front of him for SIX YEARS!!! FUCK HM FOR THINKING THAT HIS ACTIONS didn’t HAVE A CONSEQUENCE!  So I gave up. I started doing things that I wanted to do. He didn’t want to go to the club, so I did. He didn’t want to take me on dates, so I took myself. He didn’t want to do things that I liked so I did them by myself or with other people. I honestly just kept telling myself “Whatever at least I tried.” All I ever wanted from him was to love me the same way that I loved him. But he made me feel like I was unlovable. He always made me think that I was just that easy to forget, and no matter how many times he left and came back it never changed. Sure he would apologize but Sorry’s are easy its taking responsibility for the things that you have done that is hard and he never did that. I wished so hard that he would feel the same way; I wished every day that he would need me the way I needed him, and I prayed that every time he left me, that without me, his heart would break too. I wished he would spend his night’s awake and wonder wtf I was doing… I just wanted to feel important to him. And it killed me that he never fought for me… Why didn’t he fight for me? To be loved back by the person you love is the best feeling in the world….. To not be is the worst. Not being enough is a terrible feeling too. Sometimes I wish I could have been better so that he could have loved me the way that I loved him…before I stopped. Eventually my heart just became so tired. It took six-seven years but it happened. I guess some people are meant to fall in love with each other but not be together. There is a difference between loving the idea of someone and actually loving who they really are.

 

Have you ever looked back at your past and realized you were such an idiot? “We accept the love we think we deserve”, and my insecurities let me accept his. You know what the one wrong thing we do when we fall in love? We expect. And it just ruins everything. I have had to learn that people change, feelings change, it doesn’t mean that the love wasn’t real it simply means that sometimes people grow apart. And that’s what I did.

 

I don’t really know what I am doing, what’s going to happen, but I guess its ok, I guess sometimes you miss the memories and not the person. Being unwanted isn’t exactly a new thing for me. It’s really hard to find people who will love you no matter what….family or friends. Trust me I would know. How? Well that’s a different part of me…..

 

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